I think that my boyfriend of ten months is cheating on my with my best friend. When we were together, he left his phone on the table and a text popped up on his phone, saying “what’s up?” I didn’t think much of it but then I asked him to hang out later and he was busy. So I asked my friend if we could hang out, but she said she was busy. From this I am concluding that they were hanging out together. Also, one time I saw them walking around the neighborhood together. What should I do?
Right now, you are just speculating. You have no concrete evidence, and it seems as if you are searching for evidence to support your conclusion. If your boyfriend and best friend are your true friends, you should feel comfortable talking to them. Talk to them each in private, making it clear that this is just a feeling that you have rather than something you actually believe. Also, it is important that you work on figuring out the root of your suspicions. Your evidence by itself is not highly convincing; is there something in your relationships that you are not fully comfortable with, making you suspect betrayal? Remember, even if your friends are being honest with you, you do not need to continue these relationships. It is never healthy to feel paranoid about a relationship, so this could be a sign that you need to end things and move on.
It’s my first year at Lincoln and I want to get to know my classmates a little better, but my dance classes take up so much time and I never have any time to have anyone over. I love dance, and I want to join the company I dance for when I get older, but I also want to have friends that are not just outside of school. What should I do?
Dear Busy Dancer,
There are many ways for you to fit what you want to do in to your schedule. If you want to have a social life while still working hard at dance, you need to try to find time to fit it in. Take a look at your schedule, and see if you can find areas that you are spending more time in than you want to be. Cutting back on the amount of time it takes for many activities will open up more time for you to do what you want to. Also, try to find time in school to hang out with your friends and bond with them. Maybe you can hang out with friends on the weekend after dance. Be flexible about the idea of change, and try not to get to stuck into a routine that will make you afraid of change.
I'm feeling very lost at the moment. I currently have a group of friends from my old school that I consider myself very close with, but I'm not sure if I'm as close with them as I used to be. I've been so busy with school lately that I haven't had the time to actually see them face-to-face since September, but I talk to them online every day. My birthday is coming up very soon, and coincidentally, someone in my friend group has her birthday the day before mine. My friends have decided to plan a surprise birthday party for her, but it's as if they forgot that mine is the day after. And I know if they wanted to do a joint surprise, they wouldn't let me in on the plans in the first place. For some reason, this actually makes me feel really hurt, but at the same time, I wonder if I'm coming off as selfish? It's not as if I don't have any friends at this school because I really do (and I love them so, so much), but is this a sign to move on from my old friends?
Dear Confused Marshmallow,
If you really care about these friends, try to find more time to put into your relationships with them. However, you should still work hard to move forward in your friendships with your other group of friends. It is completely natural for friends to grow apart, especially after changing schools. It is possible for you to remain friends with the people from your old school without being as close as you used to be. Consider what is most important to you. Is it worth ruining friendships that you value over this birthday party? If it were not for this party, would you still want to stay friends with them despite not seeing them a lot?
Even though you are upset that they are probably not planning a surprise party for you, them including you in the plans for your other friends’ party shows that they care about you, and they still consider all of you to be friends with each other. There is still a chance that they remember your birthday. You are allowed to be upset, but it is up to you to decide if this is enough of a reason to move on from your old friends. Do you have any other feelings that make you want to abandon these friendships? You might just be getting too old for your friendships with these friends, and that feeling might just be coming apparent because of this birthday situation. You have multiple options, so trust your gut.
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. He checks all of the boxes, and I love him. However, I do not feel attracted to him anymore. He is respectful, funny, smart, and kind, but I cannot stand being around him anymore. My friends always tell me how lucky I am to have such a great boyfriend. My parents love him, and my grandmother even gave him her engagement ring to propose to me with when we are older. He is so right, so where did I go so wrong? I do not know how to get out of this relationship. I hate confrontation, but I dread the thought of being with him forever.
- Dating Mr. Boring
Dear Dating Mr. Boring,
If this relationship is making you so unhappy, your number one priority should be to end this relationship. It sounds like you are extremely influenced by the feelings of those around you, which can be a good thing, but you need to learn how to manage your reaction to their influence on you. Your friends and family love your boyfriend, but if they love you, they will understand that you want to break up with him. Set aside time to talk with your boyfriend, and bring up your feelings to him in a kind and gentle manner. It is perfectly acceptable to use something such as the cliché “it’s not you, it’s me.” Tell him that he is a great guy, but the chemistry that you used to feel with him is gone.
I love acting more than anything I have ever done. It is my true passion, and nothing can change that. I am not confident chasing it however because I have no background in dancing and singing. I feel unqualified to do the one thing that I love. I am scared that I will chase my dream and fall flat on my face at the bottom of the heap like so many other people. Everyone I talk to agrees that I cannot chase this career, but I have nothing else that I am passionate about. Please help!
Dear Career Confused,
The mindset that you have is similar to the ones of people who end up unhappy because their dreams seem far to big. If acting is your passion, then you need to pursue it if you want to find happiness in life. That being said, you should set smaller, more realistic expectations for yourself. If you are able to take acting classes, that might be a good place to start. The internet and libraries have many resources to educate you about the acting industries. Try to be involved in acting activities to improve your skills and to determine if this is really what you want to do. Also, try to immerse yourself in other activities as well to expand your mindset and see if there is anything else that you are passionate about. If acting is what you want to do in life, then it does not matter what other people are telling you. This is your life, and you deserve to be happy. You can always have another job to keep you grounded while you pursue a career in acting, or maybe you can just do acting as a hobby. Try to continue learning as much as possible, both about acting and about yourself as a person. You are still young, so you have time to learn and figure things out.
Music is my passion, but both of my parents are doctors and they are set on me going to medical school to carry on the family legacy. I do not want to spend the rest of my life doing something that I do not like just to please my parents. My heart is in music, and I will not be able to find happiness in my life by doing anything else. I am scared to tell my parents this because I know that they will be mad and disappointed in me. How can I speak up for myself and teach my parents how to understand?
Dear Melody-less Musician,
It sounds as if your parents want the best for you, but they do not know how to display that. Your parents might think that the medical field is the best area to succeed in, or they might want you to follow in their footsteps so that you turn out like them. Your parents want you to be happy and successful, but they probably think that the music industry is to risky and very difficult to succeed in. If this is something that you are truly passionate about, you need to find the courage to speak what you believe. Stop worrying about what your parents will think because remember that it is your life, not theirs. Make a list of all of the pros and cons of a career in music and a medical career to show to your parents. They will see how much of a better fit music is for you than medicine. If your parents do not come to terms with this, know that it is on them, not on you. Eventually they will come around when they see how happy you are making music.
My friend’s parents are going away this weekend and she will be throwing a party. Her brother and his college friends will be there, and there will be drugs and alcohol. I do not feel comfortable attending this party because it does not align with my code of ethics, nor does it seem safe. My friend is very bossy and can be cruel when she does not get her way. How do I skip the party without getting on her bad side?
-Ditching the Party
Dear Ditching the Party,
You need to follow your moral compass. Listening to your gut is a key skill to learn in life, because you need it to make key decisions. If your friend is not cool with you attending her party, that is on her. Do you really want a friend in your life who can be “cruel” and “bossy?” If your friend is as toxic as you say, then there is no way that you can talk her out of being upset. Tell your friend the truth about your dilemma. Let her know that attending the party would make you truly uncomfortable, and that it has nothing to do with her. If you feel like you need to, tell your friend that your parents are not letting you go, or make up some other excuse.
My best friend and I have been avoiding each other for several weeks now. I do not know when I will be able to forgive her, as she betrayed my trust by going behind my back, but I believe that she should apologize to me if she wants to continue our friendship. I would like for us to be back on speaking terms; however, I am not yet ready to forget what she did to me. Our families have been friends for our whole lives, and we will be forced to be together at an upcoming holiday party. I do not want to drive our families apart with our fight, but I also would like to heal my wounds. How should I interact with her at the party? Should I leave it alone, or am I right to demand an apology?
All relationships have rough patches, but yours sounds like a bit more than a typical bump in the road. It sounds as if you are deeply hurt by your friend’s actions, however, you should not expect her to apologize. She may not know if she is in the wrong, and might feel just as confused as you do. Do not confront her at this party, in order to spare your families the unpleasantry. Before the party, I suggest that you send her a message acknowledging your feelings caused by the divide. She may get defensive, but you cannot continue your friendship without honesty. Remember not to personally attack her, but rather to discuss the flaws in your relationship instead of in her character. You do not need to pick up your friendship where you left off, and you may never feel comfortable being close to her again. Only the two of you can decide if you want to be best friends again, so leave your families out of this. At the party, exchange pleasantries, but do not get into the details of your isolation. You may even want to consider foregoing this event. Sometimes a little time apart from a person is all you need to decide if you want keep them in your life.
Last year I had a very complicated relationship with a boy and I think I still love him and he still loves me. I want to get back together with him but I’m afraid that so much could go wrong and we would both end up hurt. What should I do?
Take some time to get to the root of your feelings. You say that you think you still love him, but is it really love, or is it lust? Is it worth the risk? It sounds as if he has hurt you in the past and you know that he could hurt you again, so the smartest decision would be to avoid this conflict. However, if your feelings are strong, you should not suppress them. If you truly love him, have a conversation to understand each other’s feelings. Take things slow, and set boundaries for yourself. Do not let yourself be blinded by love. Try to keep a clear head. If you sense any red flags, listen to your gut feeling and give yourself an out.
I recently watched the Netflix Original movie, "To All the Boys I've Loved Before." All I can say is I WANT MY OWN PETER KAVINSKY WHO WILL WRITE ME CUTE LETTERS EVERYDAY AND PUT HIS HAND IN MY BACK POCKET AND CALL ME BY MY LAST NAME AND LOVE ME!! Watching this movie really made me want a boyfriend. Do you have any suggestions on how to get one?
- Desperate to find a quality BF
I know that it can be hard to not compare yourself to others, but that is an important skill that you must learn to be happy in life. It is important to remember that this is a movie, and this is often not how relationships work in real life. There are many ways to get a boyfriend. Ask a friend to set you up with someone, participate in activities that allow you to meet boys, or evaluate the feelings that you have for any boys that are in your life.
I have feelings for just so many people and I don't know how to express them; help me please. I am in love with my girl best friend, but she has a boyfriend. I’m so sad and I don’t know what to do at all. Please help me to express myself.
You need to be honest with yourself and with your emotions. If you want to stay friends with this girl, you should not interfere with her relationship. However, you cannot remain friends with her while keeping such a large secret. Tell your friend about your feelings, but do not put pressure on her to do anything about her relationship. Prepare yourself for her to isolate herself from you. You say that you like so many people, so talk to some of them and spend time together. Maybe something will come out of that.
I need some advice. I have the worst case of senioritis. Actually, I don’t know if it’s just that. I just have no motivation to do my school work and such. I feel like I am just pushing myself through assignment after assignment, but I still haven't really gotten back into the school routine. I know it’s October, so I really shouldn't be having this problem. However, I can't help it. There's so much to do that it makes me want to do none of it. I would love some advice, I don’t know what's happening to me
-a stressed senior
I can definitely relate to the feeling of not wanting to get work done. When you are lacking in motivation, try to find some inspiration. Think about your end goal. Why are you at school? Maybe you want to go to college, follow a certain career path, move away, or find love. Whatever it is that makes you most excited about the future, try to think about that whenever you are struggling to do work. Think about how every day that you are in school is one day closer to achieving the life that you want. It also sounds like you may be overscheduling yourself. Sometimes, you just need to take a step back to refresh yourself. Prioritize the things that are most important to you, and try to let go of some of the things that are less important. If you have less to do, you may be less overwhelmed. Break up your schoolwork to make it less daunting. Do not visualize the mountain of homework and tests, but instead each small step that you can take to conquer it.
I am queer and I have a friend that I like a lot. We are really close and I don't want to ruin anything but my liking her is becoming distracting. I don't know if she likes girls and I am not out. Should I talk to her about it or just say nothing? Please help!
It is never healthy to bottle up your emotions. This is tricky, because there is no way to know how your friend will react to you revealing your crush. You need to weigh your options: you can either tell your friend that you like her and risk making things awkward between the two of you, or you can stay silent and continue to live with this looming feeling that is causing you to feel uncomfortable. A first step could be for you to come out to her, if that is something that is safe for you and would be healthier for you in the long run. If she does like girls, then she might be more likely to reveal that if you come out to her first. Also, talk to a mutual friend that you trust, and see if they will discreetly ask your crush if she likes you. If you are feeling brave, you could reveal your feelings to your friend directly, but that will definitely be scary. However, it might be worth it if the feelings are mutual. The worst case scenario is that your friend will feel awkward around you and begin to distance herself, but if your friendship is strong enough, you will be able to get through it. In life you will experience many unrequited loves and heartbreaks. This experience may be a valuable lesson in teaching you how to deal with the ugly parts of love, or it might be the start of an amazing romantic relationship.
I like someone and I don't know if they like me back. Also, there's a chance I won't see him again ... I'm really upset! Please help,
It never feels good to not know if someone likes you back. If you have mutual friends, try to get one of them to inquire for you. Also, there is no need to rush into a relationship. If you end up seeing him again, get to know him and become friends. If he likes you, he is probably too shy to admit it to your face. Tell him how you feel, which may be scary, but it will be the only way to get what you want. If you have his contact information, reach out to him and plan to do something together. If it is truly not possible to see him again, distract yourself with things that you enjoy and people that you enjoy being with. With time, you will feel better. However, if you are able to continue contact with this boy, do not let your worries prevent you from pursuing the life that you want.